Day Four - 09.15.2022

Perspective.

What is a good time in life? Is it when everything is working out just as planned? When everything seems to be perfect? Or is it when we learn the most? When we stumble and fall and then get back up? Or when we don’t get back up and then years later realize that was the turning point in our story?

What even is a good time if we don’t have the perspective in the moment to enjoy it? What is the point of even characterizing good and bad times? Are there even good and bad times or are there just ‘times’?

I have questions and no answers at the moment. I am sitting here, romanticizing the times in my life where I once deemed the hardest. I take up the present moment with thoughts from the past and hoping to rewrite my interactions with people and control their perception of me. I sit and lament.

Honestly, validation is the hardest thing for me to let go of. I think I still struggle with the idea of wanting others to be proud of me and I just sometimes get so stuck in my head to please those around me. I have to will myself out of those states and consciously affirm for the present moment.

It hit me today. What life was like before all this subconscious reprogramming - how did I go through life? I am not even asking that in an incredulous way but in an… “no but actually, I don’t remember” kind of way. I actually don’t know how I used to live my life and I cannot even fathom not knowing these principles. I remember saying in a Tik Tok once, “you cannot go backwards in this journey” - and man is that true. It’s like once these ideas get planted in your head and you start to live this way, it is nearly impossible to go back to a life where these ideals aren’t the norm.

I’m rambling. But basically I don’t know what’s going on and I am almost waiting for an aha moment. I don’t know if you’re in the same boat as me, but if you are, welcome, the water is ok.